In this episode we're talking about how we stay on edge in our relationships and why these unsettling patterns continue to show up. I also cover three different practices that you can start doing TODAY to help you find more calm and safety in your embodied experience of your relationships.
Video or text? The choice is yours! Watch the full vodcast or check out the AI-enhanced article recap below:
Summary Article:
Understanding Relational Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance, the heightened state of sensitivity to potential threats, manifests in various ways in relationships. In this episode, Jessa explores a specific type of hypervigilance she calls "Are You Mad at Me?" hypervigilance or relational hypervigilance.
Examples of Relational Hypervigilance:
Repeatedly asking your partner if they're okay during a stressful time.
Assuming a friend is upset with you because they're quieter than usual.
Overanalyzing others' body language and assigning judgment to subtle cues.
Interrupting conversations to reassure yourself or clarify understanding.
Why Does Relational Hypervigilance Develop?
Relational hypervigilance often stems from childhood experiences that shape embodied beliefs and behaviors. Jessa identifies four common root causes:
1. Being Made Responsible for Caregivers’ Feelings
Statements like, "You’re making me yell at you," or "I’m upset because of you," teach children that others’ emotions are their fault.
Resulting Belief: How others express their feelings is a result of my actions.
2. Hot and Cold Caregivers
Inconsistent caregiving creates uncertainty and fear. Some days are nurturing; others are neglectful or abusive.
Resulting Belief: I don’t need to fear unpredictability if I can see the signs sooner.
3. Calculating Safety
Children learn to read cues and manipulate situations to meet basic needs in unpredictable environments.
Resulting Belief: The only way to guarantee my safety is if I can calculate the interactions of our relationship.
4. Being Manipulated by Caregivers
Experiences of manipulation teach children to control others to meet their own needs.
Resulting Belief: I am capable of making someone else act how I need them to.
Expressions of Relational Hypervigilance
These core beliefs show up as specific behaviors:
Self-Blame and Guilt: Constantly wondering, What did I do wrong?
Hyper-Awareness of Body Language: Interpreting subtle cues as signs of danger.
Mental Exhaustion: Ruminating and over-checking past interactions.
People-Pleasing and Impulsivity: Trying to fix relationships by preemptively meeting others' needs.
Practical Somatic Tools for Shifting Patterns
Somatic healing involves consistent practice and compassion. Jessa offers three tools to help rewire these patterns.
1. Reframing Feelings as Information
Shift from viewing feelings as consequences to seeing them as information:
Consequence: I’m angry because they cut me off in traffic.
Information: This anger means I’m in danger.
Exercise:
Identify an emotion.
Complete the sentence: This [feeling] means I need/I am _____.
2. Tracking Sensations
Teach your nervous system that most experiences are transient:
Exercise Option 1: Notice a sensation (e.g., cold hands). Introduce a change (e.g., rub hands together) and observe the shift.
Exercise Option 2: Simply observe a sensation without altering it and notice how it evolves.
3. Back Body Awareness
Grounding into the back body helps counteract forward-moving, survival-driven energy:
Exercise:
Lay down or sit against a wall.
Focus on the parts of your body in contact with the ground.
Bring awareness to your back, letting it settle and relax.
Key Takeaways
Understand the Origins: Relational hypervigilance is rooted in childhood experiences and shaped by embodied beliefs.
Understand the Beliefs:
Recognize the Behaviors: Notice self-blame, overanalysis, and people-pleasing as expressions of hypervigilance.
Practice Somatic Tools: Reframe feelings, track sensations, and ground into your back body to promote a sense of safety and ease.
"These patterns likely developed in a time when they were very useful for you. With time, consistency, and compassion, you can gently allow them to shift," Jessa Hooley.
Reconnect with a sense of settling, grounding, and safety—even in the midst of life’s challenges.
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